On the online mag all about endo I write for, Do You Endo published a piece I wrote discussing the makeup I like to use. It also explained how people have treated me during my 26 years of dealing with this disease. Rereading has made me realize that there are so many people out there who cover their faces with layers of concealer just to please others. I am one of them. I do it because I really love makeup. Yet I also do it because people can’t keep their pieholes shut about thibgs that don’t concern them. Trying to explain to co workers I was home sick but not contagious was exhausting in itself. I have had people leap away from me when I arrived at work looking green faced from not just endo but actually being sick. No one believed I couldn’t spread it. And none of them believed I was sick at all.
I began to tell them I had an actual sickness that was contagious like the flu.
Endo affects your immune system. I can get fevers when I get a flare. And during my period I can get one of my famous three day long migraines. I am bleeding, puking, and shivering from fever and I definitly look the part of sick girl a lot. So I bought a bunch of makeup. All because people had opinions about my sickish glow (and I was tired of their shitty comments) I put makeup on for them, not me. But the unwanted comments continued anyway. I spent my mornings applying my lipstick, I winged my eyeliner, and highlighted my cheekbones. However instead of being told I look “like shit” I got the “but you don’t look sick” comments. So when I told people I was sick they didnt believe me at all.
So I don’t wear it…I look ill. But I do wear it…I dont look ill enough to take seriously. And that is really the point I was making. Sure makeup to me is fun and I like wearing it. But I stopped wearing it for them and wear it for me. I mean no one at work cares as long as I get the job done. The kid at the supermarket doesn’t care as long as I pay for the food. So I wear it for me and me alone. People get offended when others don’t look presentable enough for their standards. We used to get dressed up to go to a Broadway show or if we went out to dinner. Now people don’t get dressed at all, or to judgemental people they don’t make an effort. We were really dressing up nicely for ourselves because when you’re in a dark theater who the hell can see you anyway?
The point is do it for you. Or don’t. It is YOUR choice. Someone is going to have an issue with you reguardless. Might as well be happy with your own choice.
Fifty or so years ago women (more so than today at times) were treated as housewife and baby maker. We weren’t taken seriously. We were heart shaped -asses and, loin of pork making domestics whose opinion was worthless. Working women with families…well forget you. You were awful for choosing work over the family over your HUSBAND. Who would make his ham? Who would fetch his Sunday paper? Your looks needed to be up standards because seriously…who wanted a homely wife? The little woman needed to be feminine but not slutty. Sexy but not whorish. Getting birth control as a single woman caused great concern. Beauty and a thin waist was life. At this time science was coming to the forefront too, concerns about the effects of smoking and heavy drinking did to you. Everyone smoked. Pregnant women, people in the office, and people on the train lit up. Life was for the living. Sure we can take a page from Mad Men’s Mr. Draper’s book and live like life was going to end tomorrow. But we grew wiser and more conscientious about certain important issues such as women’s health.
As someone who has endometriosis, I’d much rather my health reflect 2019 and not 1959. I do have a love of red lipstick, sweater that hug all the right places and my great grandma’s cat eye glasses. But fighting for a cure so me and my fellow #endobabes and #endowarriors don’t have to suffer any longer is vital to me. Which is why THIS atrocity of a study makes my blood seethe. Someone thought it was important to fund…yes put money into a study about how women who have endo are more attractive than other women. As if this information means anything. As if it helps anyone. It is demeaning. It is isolating for us who have it. So who gives a fuck if Sarah is pretty but hospitalized because her ovary was twisted and exploded beyond repair. And who cares of Melody can’t ever have kids because a doctor had to scoop out all her reproductive organs. They are pretty. They look good in jeggings.
Are you FUCKING kidding me?
Our disease can hold us back in so many ways. We have lost jobs, babies, relationships, our self-esteem and you Mr. and or Ms. Scientist have wasted time, energy, and funds to say “but hey at least you’re cute”?
I call BULLSHIT. Hell, I scream it. Does anyone care if your brother with cancer is hot? NO. The man has CANCER. He is SICK. He wants to live a normal and healthy life. So get your ass in gear and your fucking head out of the sand and use your resources for something WE CAN FUCKING USE.
I can wear my poodle skirt with pearls and stick my combat boots up your ass. I am a woman who is saying loud and clear this study is shit. My fellow endo warriors are more than that. And shame on you for thinking otherwise.
When I was told I had endometriosis the word that was bounced around was infertility. Thirty to fifty percent of us who suffer from #endo will have trouble conceiving or not be able to. I was one of the women who could get pregnant without any fertility help. I have talked to many girls in their 20’s who are getting hysterectomies because their pain is so unbearable. Their doctors recommend to take everything out. Then there are those women who are in so much pain that even if there is a small chance of having a child, their suffering takes precedence over anything BUT are denied because they are told they are still within childbearing years. We also know that just because you do take your organs out, doesn’t mean endo isn’t hiding somewhere else. That does not include those women whose organs have been fused together by endometriosis which render them infertile (if found to have affected reproductive organs). In our society, a woman’s identity is almost always tied to having children. We get asked when we are getting married, then when are we having children. Then once we have a child, when are we having another one. We can’t even give birth yet without people asking when is the next one coming. The next one? Can we get the current one out first? After my third child, I got a tubal ligation and my husband got a vasectomy months prior to me giving birth. I had one nurse after my c section asks this famous question of when I’m having the next one. I told her I was done and she said to me that I say that now but I will surely change my mind. To which I replied back I was cut and burned and my husband had a vasectomy. Therefore no, we would not be having a fourth child. This woman kept telling me I would change my mind. And while I know there is a small percentage of women who can still get pregnant after both were surgically sterilized, my insistence of not having another one kept flying past her. Was she seriously getting into an argument with me about having another child? The one I was holding was barely 12 hours old and already I was being told my mind would be changed by somebody else.
Women are also construed as selfish if we chose not to have kids. What about the women who can’t? I have been made to feel guilty for having kids by a few people. How about women who have no desire to become mothers? They are told they are selfish. Do people say what is wrong with a woman who doesn’t want to have a child? We are made to feel guilty no matter what our choices. We already have the world on our shoulders without having to have extra stress about our bodies which is nobody’s business but our own. Financially it is a nightmare for many of us. We make too little to support a family even when are working. The government says we make plenty. We go and get assistance and we are deemed as lazy or unfit because we need help. So many of us wait until we are older which causes complications for our own bodies and the children we carry. Why are we made to look terrible if we ask for help? If there is an income flowing in and out of my house I should not have to be questioned if there is anything I need assistance with like rent or health insurance.
I do not like when people make assumptions about me or my situations. In fact, you don’t even have to make assumptions you can ask me. If there something I choose not to share it’s quite simple I just won’t. But myself, like many of you, do not like it when people just assume about my situation without knowing all the facts. You need to do what is good for you, not listen to your mother law beg for a grandkid or people who are convinced to pray for a miracle. Your suffering means something. You shouldn’t feel guilty for being confused or angry about all this. You have the right to sob endlessly about the choices you face. The point is not to let anyone convince you they know better. Be strong warrior. You got this.