Tag Archives: fizzlefriday

Frustrated Incorporated

There is nothing worse than feeling frustrated with situations that fall completely out of your grasp. Recently I found out my baby boy is autistic. We had to meet a bunch of specialists and fill out these questions about him. I’ve been in the preschool teaching game for over a decade and seven of those years with kids three and under. I know the signs as a teacher. You notice things a child does differently than the others. And I did notice with him. But boys do things at a different speed then girls. So I wasn’t worried. Not really. Well, maybe a little. A lot of the signs of children on the spectrum can also be seen as typical behaviors. Like categorizing toys by size and color. Repeating certain words and not being clear with them. I knew what bothered my son and what didn’t. It would be fine going forward right? Then I started reading pamphlets and websites and began to worry more. It’s like when you have a small ache that hasn’t gone away for a while and you go on Dr. Google and see what it could be. Suddenly after ten minutes of research, you find out you’re dying of some rare disease that only .5% of people ever got in the history of Earth. These sites began talking about the signs and then I am reading about if he needs adult care and how to live with your autistic child forever. I imagined him at fifty and us barely moving thanks to our barely functioning bodies. How could I care for my grown son when my own shit was a struggle to live with? What happens when I’m sick and he needs me? I am already crawling half the day from my endo.

I am in full panic mode after reading this stuff. We don’t know yet what level (if that’s how they measure) he is. I don’t know if he will do well in school all day. I sit with him now, his pale cheeks spotted with bits of dried muffin and he is happy. He is watching videos about dinosaurs and he is naming them all along with colors and shapes, numbers and animals. He loves other kids and he hugs us and yells out “family hugs!” He jumps with excitement when he sees his older sister and they play legos together. I see him as just GG, my middle baby and happy boy. What if some asshole kid with his yellow-toothed punk friends picks on him? What if he hates himself because he is “different”? What if some shitty teacher targets him and flunks him all the time because he learns differently than other kids? My husband and I sometimes dread these scenarios that, of course, have never happened yet. But my mind is on its own, creating this world that may never occur. And I’ve been a parent for a while now and a teacher for a long time. I know this is just how our minds work. All I want to do is protect my kids from anyone who will ever do them harm. I can only wait which sucks 100%. Until then I can watch him enjoy his little life, his love of snuggles and dinosaurs and hope everything will work out.

#TeamGrayson

When You’re Off Your Game

I am suffering from writer’s burnout. I have been writing so much in the last few days my eyes hurt from this strain from the glow of the computer. My fingers ache from typing. I have been feeling stressed out and trying to calm the ulcer that’s slowly coming back. But oddly… I also feel invigorated. I suppose it’s because I am writing with a different purpose than just for myself or with the hopes of being next best selling author (aren’t we all!) Part of what I produced was good but sadly a lot of it was not. I was feeling overwhelmed and I let it affect my writing. So what am I going to do to fix it? What do any of us do to fix our writing when it seems to have gone downhill?

I could buy a bottle of wine and contemplate I’m terrible I am. Perhaps three quarters of the way down I will start to think how great I am! The first thing I guess I should do is attempt to NOT freak out over every deadline. It wouldn’t be the end of the world even though in the back of my head there’s that little voice screaming hurry up and get it done. I need to take myself away from it and take a deep breath. Besides the everyday struggle I have with my disease, I also have three rambunctious kids to chase after. One being a five month old baby and the other and overly active two and a half year old who realizes my time is better suited with him and not his new baby sister-or anything else. The oldest one will just be happy watching other kids play video games which I still don’t understand.

I usually throw in a family movie and we all sit and hang out. For the first 10 minutes into the movie I look around me and enjoy just how lucky I am to have all these people who love me. Then after that overwhelming sense of love, everyone seems to leap off the couch and find other things to do. And I’m still left with the ghosts of their smiles from the previous few minutes. Once everyone is settled in for the night I will probably get back onto the computer and dive into essays how to make my own writing better. We can always improve. No one is really truly the best at anything and that’s okay. It’s also okay to send up a flare when you feel yourself drowning. Life happens. Loved ones get hurt or sick and you feel as if you should carry on. Mostly because you always have. You don’t. Not at full speed anyway. Family comes first, YOU come first. Lucky for me I have found the kindness in others to make me feel like I am not letting them down. They’re lifting me up.

So burn out.

Fizzle.

Let em fizzle, Olive

But come back full strength when you can. And if people make you feel guilty for taking a little you time, maybe it’s time for you to let them fizzle and burn out.